Sometimes when I walk along the river into town (I do a heck of a lot of walking to make the baby sleep/stop crying etc etc) I walk past various memorial benches. I always find myself reading the inscriptions, and sometimes I’ve found – it’s possibly the hormones- that they make me quite emotional. They always get me thinking about my family, things that have happened and what may happen. I think about Olivia growing up. In a flash before my eyes I’ve seen her leaving home to go travelling round the world, it’s quite mad how your overactive mind can do this to you. Part of me doesn’t want her to grow up, I want her to stay my baby for ever but part of me does too (obviously she will!) I want her to live an amazing life, I want her to see wonderful things and travel the world, I want and wish everything for her. Life whizzes by us all too quickly now doesn’t it.
So drumroll please, big news alert. I have made the decision that I wont be returning to work when my maternity leave finishes at the end of this month. I am so grateful that my husband and I are in a position where I can do this. There are so many reasons why I didn’t want to go back to work, when we weighed everything up, it just didn’t make sense. For starters, I’m in no way feeling ready to go back yet. The fact that a year has gone past and we’re back at the point where I need to go back to work again?! How did that happen?! I only just had a baby already! I’m not ready to hand her over to someone else yet. I was also doing a job that I didn’t enjoy and the thought of being back behind my desk, dealing with the everyday office politics filled me with absolute dread. Financially we would be no better off if I went back to work after paying for childcare assuming I worked three days a week I would be left with a few hundred pounds which isn’t to be sniffed at, but in the grand scheme of things, just wouldn’t be worth it. Why would I do something that I hate, for very little money, only to be sat on my butt all day feeling depressed?
And the final reason? I want time, I need more time with my baby. I look at how much she is changing and growing and I want to see all of it, I don’t want to miss out on anything. I’m not going to lie and say that all our time together is ‘ahhmazing’, because it’s not, some days it’s bloody hard work but I know that I would much rather be hanging out with her, than being sat behind a desk doing something I hated. I know that we will have good, bad and frankly quite boring days but its okay, I’m happier in this new job role than I’ve been for a long time.