Today is the start of yet another month where ‘things’ haven’t worked. And by ‘things’ I mean, I’m not pregnant. I realise this post could be construed as slight over-sharing, but I wrote a post in December about having a miscarriage so it’s no real secret that my husband and I would like another baby. Also that’s the point of this blog, for me to put down how I am feeling, ‘Dear Diary’ style. The whole journey of trying to get pregnant is so up and down (no pun intended there) Some women get pregnant at the mere sight of their partners bits, for some it takes time and some have to go down the IVF route. We seem to be falling into the ‘it’s taking time’ category and quite frankly, it’s driving me nuts. I’m several packets down on Folic Acid, far more than I ever expected to have to take.
Each month that goes past, sees me going through a whole range of crazy emotions, that if I were to describe them to my husband regularly, he probably would leave me thinking I had lost the plot. Trying and not being successful at getting pregnant can do crazy things to ones mind. It’s a very emotional, sensitive time and as the woman you are constantly looking for signs, plotting dates, weeing on ovulation sticks, shouting demands to your husband about when you need to ‘do it’ (which is not sexy or romantic, funnily enough) It can all become a bit much. Also, for the two weeks or so before my period comes, I can’t help reading into any little signal my body gives me. Rather embarrassingly this time round I suddenly noticed I’d put on a bit of weight, my boobs felt bigger and at a meal out last weekend I had the appetite of a horse, ‘this could be it’ I started thinking, I might be pregnant and these are signs! Well, a big fat NO my body quite rightly told me. You’ve just been eating too much chocolate and are a greedy pig, ha! I’m being hard on myself but you have to understand that little voice of hope that goes on in your head, and I’m sure in other womens mind’s too at times like this. There is nothing that can stop that little voice unfortunately, you just have to get on with things and try not to let everything get the better of you.
If I can, I’ll describe the roller coster that I go through at present. Day one of my period is hugely disappointing, coupled with a day or so of random tears. Then I feel incredibly guilty as I know we are very lucky to have one child, whereas many have none. After a day or so, I get over my woes (accept and move forwards, is a phrase I was repeating to myself last night) Mid cycle I feel positive and hopeful, then the ten days or so before the end of my cycle I feel incredibly anxious. As I’ve mentioned, I read into every little signal that my body gives off, which frustratingly if you are potentially pregnant, are exactly the same signals your body gives off when you’re about to get your period, yay! All in all, it’s a very fraught time. And typically everywhere I look I see women with children my child’s age, either with another tiny baby or with a big pregnant bump. That’s just life and as much as it can pain me, I accept it and don’t hold it against those nearest and dearest to me, who are lucky to be in a situation where they are expecting number two (child that is)
Foolishly I’ve been Googling (I know, I know I shouldn’t!) about my predicament and read about something called ‘Secondary Infertility’ which I’d never heard of. Apparently this is the inability to bear a second child or carry a pregnancy full term, despite having had a biological first child, and this is becoming more apparent as women have children later in life. Oh great, it’s actually a bloody ‘thing’, marvellous. Not like I’m stressing about being 37 or anything. Anyway, to make me feel like I’m at least doing something positive I’ve seen my GP and I’m going to have some blood tests’ to find out if there is anything untoward going on. In the meantime, I know it will happen, I know we already have the kid and I know these things take time (classic responses) so don’t worry people, I am trying to find my positive, it’s in there somewhere, I know it is. Fingers crossed and all that.