I’ve been struggling a bit recently, really struggling and it’s two particular things that have been making me feel like this. I last wrote about not being pregnant back in February, and I’ve kept quiet since then because you try to focus and look forward as much as possible, don’t you. However another month has nearly gone by and I have to say that in the last few days, for some reason, I have been finding things hard. I’ve been feeling like this groundhog day cycle is never going to end. And alongside this, the kid has been pushing me as hard as she can. She has reached a new phase in her little life and I am finding that she swings from, ‘super happy’ to ‘angry moaning minnie’ constantly, and that’s actually quite tough when it’s all day, every day. Things seem to have come to a head and I’ve been feeling a bit like I’ve been wearing Eeyore’s sad face, complete with my own little grey cloud.
Now and at this point in time I am finding not being pregnant yet a bit tough. It took us a little while to get pregnant with the kid, but not as long as it takes some, so second time round you think, easy peasy! The body has done this before so let’s go! A miscarriage in December set us back and now we’re a year or so down the line and things just aren’t happening. The majority of the time I am completely fine and accepting of this, you have to be otherwise I think you’d drown in your own self-pity, but always in the back of my mind is the elusive baby number two. And occasionally there are the days when for some reason or another I wake up feeling blue. And on these days, any trips outside the house mean that without fail, like a heat seeking radar my eyes find the women with pregnancy bumps and tiny new babies straight away. Sometimes I feel like I can’t escape the fact that I’m not yet pregnant. Normally this doesn’t bother me, it’s life right? But recently I’ve been finding this a little harder to bear.
Possibly I’m finding things are more difficult at the moment because most days, before we’ve even reached 10am the kid has had more meltdowns than I care to count. At present she is great for everyone else, but quite difficult for me. I bare the brunt of her mini rage, anger, screams and shouts. My senses take quite a battering and it’s hard not to feel quite worn down by it all. I’m also finding that I am not enjoying all my time with the kid because she is going through this difficult phase, which takes it toll because I spend everyday with her. This in turn makes me feel incredibly guilty because I love her and shouldn’t feel like this, but I do sometimes, I can’t help it.
The funny thing is (it’s not by the way) that on the one hand I am desperate for another baby, but here I am dealing with my mini tyrant. At times I think, ‘why do I want another baby again?!’ It’s like some sort of twisted joke. Damn this in-built desire to reproduce. And some people can’t even conceive one baby, so I should be grateful, right? And I am, I really am but that doesn’t stop me struggling some days or feeling like I’m going to loose the plot especially now that the kid has taken to doing a rather lovely ear shattering scream when she doesn’t get her own way, always a nice one in public that. I often want to submerge my head in a vat of wine by 11am (I haven’t resorted to this….. yet) In a good way the kid keeps me busy and on my toes, and I often don’t have time to think about not being pregnant but in a bad way, I am constantly around reminders of these second children.
I started writing this post at the beginning of the week and coming back to it several days later, I realise how ridiculous I sound. Things aren’t that bad. Nothing that seeing friends and family hasn’t fixed. I think I’ve just hit a bit of a personal rough patch but maybe sometimes we need to allow ourselves a bit of wallowing to be able to pick ourselves up again. Maybe sometimes we need to have a down day to be able to move on, and also sometimes, to make us look at the bigger picture. My bigger picture is that I want another baby but I do have one amazing (okay slightly trying at times) one already and I am hugely thankful for that. My Eeyore sad face has gone along with the cloud. Tomorrow is always a better day, another chance to get back to normal.