I was battling with the kid this morning, like I often do. Silently begging her to stop scream-singing whilst waiting in a queue, quiet muttering at her to please stop kicking that person in front, please stop shouting at me, why Olivia, why do you have to be like this. Then some thoughts popped into my head, ‘Why is she like she is, why does she have to be like this, why is she so confident, why can’t she be like other children who just sit in the buggy patiently waiting’ and then, I felt a huge wave of guilt for daring to think this. How could I think this? She is how she is, right?
She’s a character my girl, a little whirlwind brimming with confidence at the age of two and a half. People always tell me that she’s a character and I love that, I really do. I wouldn’t have her any other way but also, I struggle inwardly with her confidence, her spirit. I love it and hate it at the same time. I love it because it’s a wonderful thing to see. She never clings to or hides behind me, she will happily say hello to new people and spend time away from me. In fact she waves me away when I drop her off to stay with any family members, ‘when are you going mummy?!’. All of this is awesome but also I find it hard to deal with at times. It’s like she doesn’t need me quite so much. And along with her confidence can come impatience and mini rage. She’s quick to get angry, to shout or scream if she doesn’t like something. I get it, I get it, she’s two and a half! But always in the back of my mind, especially during the meltdown moments are these thoughts about wishing her character were different. Why is she like she is and some other children so different. I see other children who are a lot more patient, quite and calm. What makes them so different, is it me? Have I missed out some vital parenting stage?!
Is it so bad that I have these thoughts? That I wish at times that she weren’t quite how she is? Is that a terrible thing? I hope not, and deep down I don’t think so. Surely it’s completely natural to feel like this at times? I can’t be the first mother to think these thoughts. I have a strong willed child and I don’t think this internal battle will end anytime soon, it’s something I need to learn to deal with. These inner emotions are something I need to get a handle on. This is still very new to me, this being a parent lark, we’re both learning together me and her. And ultimately she is who she is and I will always love her for that.