It’s been eight months now since we had IVF – which writing down I actually can’t believe it’s been that long now – and it’s been about five or so months since the miscarriage. Something I keep asking myself, something I keep sitting down to write about and something I keep being asked, is when we’re going to try IVF again? This is a tricky one because at the moment, the simple answer is, I just don’t know *shrugs shoulders*. I feel like the fog of everything that has happened, the fog of winter and the fog of never-ending coughs and colds is finally clearing, and it’s now that I can start contemplating moving forwards. So what do we want to do? Do we want to try again? What happens next?
What I feel is a few things really. Firstly that time isn’t on our side and that makes me quite panicky. I have nights where it suddenly pops into my head, ‘what do we do if this still hasn’t worked and I’m 45?’ It’s certainly something that can keep me awake at night. I turn 40 this year and according to the professionals, that’s when everything stops working, falls out and falls off. I say this in slight jest, but for women, that’s the D-Day deadline that we’re all given when trying for a baby. Even professionals that I’ve sat in-front of, whilst making light of my age, telling me I’ve got, ‘nothing to worry about’, make me worried by even bothering to mention it in the first place. Although this said, Rachel Weisz has been in the papers this week, announcing her pregnancy at 48! Obviously that’s amazing but I don’t have a film star fortune behind me or all the private doctors in the world, so being pregnant in my late forties isn’t really something I’d like, although who can say never in this funny world of infertility. So, should we dive into more IVF because the age count down clock is on? It’s certainly something that bothers me.
Mentally I haven’t felt ready. You have to be your own cheerleader with IVF, Rah-Rahing yourself along the way, complete with high kicks (more a half leg kick in my case) and pom-poms and funnily enough I haven’t felt like doing that. I’ve needed time to get over the miscarriage, time to get back to normal and time to get over being sick. I need to be a bit more mentally ‘ready’ to go through it all again, and I’m only just feeling at that point now.
I need to be physically ready, IVF is a big commitment, bigger than I realised and quite frankly since January, I’ve been ill! I don’t know how to stop the cycle but Olivia get’s sick, I catch it, have a cold for a week then get my dreaded cough (my husband calls it ‘The Cough’, like it’s a some sort of horror movie) and that’s me coughing for two weeks solid. I’m just getting over a nasty bought of bronchitis so I feel like once I’m back to full health then again, I’ll be more ready to go.
Part of me doesn’t feel ready to step foot in my clinic again, having been so happy when we were last there. I remember seeing my Consultant in the hallway and giving him the biggest (possibly slightly demented) smile, internally thanking him as we passed, thinking ‘YES! We did it!’. It will feel weird and no doubt hard to be back there again, the thought of more appointments, scans and sitting in the waiting room fills me with mild dread. And I’m not massively keen on the thought of more drugs in my body. Shutting things down and starting things up again. My poor body. It’s been through so much and it needs to be physically ready when for IVF. And it’s more ‘ifs, buts and maybes’. The dreaded game show.
So I guess in answer to the title, right now the answer is no, I’m not ready. And I’m not sure when I will be, but soon. I think the moment will click into place and we’ll just know.