Finding out you are pregnant is a crazy, emotional time. When you see that blue line or smilie face, you can go through a range of feelings; joy, elation, fear, sadness, crying, joy, elation, fear, sadness, crying (possibly in that order on repeat) Whether it was planned or a mishap, desperately wanted or not that fussed, the shock of knowing you have a life growing inside you is nothing you can prepare for. It truly is an amazing thing but regardless of your situation, it can ultimately be terrifying. Its a bloody big responsibility to keep a mini bean thing going for forty whole weeks. That’s a LOOOONG time and for some of us, it may not be without the odd wobble. You go through the first few months hoping to reach the all important ‘three month’ milestone, then once you’re past that you’re onto the next milestone of eighteen/twenty weeks, then you want to get to thirty seven weeks when a baby is considered ‘full term’ and finally, you just want the baby out now, thank you very much. It can be a worrying time for some and some of us (me included) may freak out just a little bit. The whole experience is a bit of a roller-coaster (no Ronan, just no)
My big meltdown came at about five months in. Coincidently, given that I am generally a bit of a worrier/pessimist type, I had been thinking how good it was that I hadn’t had a meltdown yet, smugly thinking that I had gotten away with it. Mr S and I were driving home after a weekend with family, I hadn’t slept well and was feeling very run down when it suddenly hit me. A wave of nausea, fear and panic washed over me. Mid sobbing and much nose bubbling I began wailing: I had something growing inside me, oh my god that’s weird! Our lives were over for ever, I can’t cope with the responsibility, what if I don’t love the baby, what if we are terrible parents and then, I have to give birth!! Waaaaaahhhh! This verbal outpouring went on for about ten minutes and my husband just let me have my moment, he didn’t say anything but when I calmed and the nose bubbles ceased, he told me he agreed with everything that I had said. He had the same fears (bar the birth one obvs) He had been worrying about our lives changing forever, yes he agreed it’s very weird and a bit alien-esque having a baby growing inside you. Yes, he was fearful of the responsibility and yes, he was worried about possibly not loving the baby or us being crap parents. Everything I had said made sense, it wasn’t nonsense, they were completely rational fears, albeit conveyed in a slightly irrational way.
Looking back I realise I had been bottling these fears up for some time. They had been there in the back of my mind but I had been ignoring them, so everything had hit me all at once. It really helped knowing that my husband had been thinking the same, I wasn’t alone in my thoughts and I had needed to know that. What Mr S also said to me, was that we had decided to have a baby, we had wanted this and now it’s happening so we need to accept it (that was his tough love bit) Yes our lives were going to change, in a massive way but it will be okay, (my mantra is ‘it will always be okay’) we would cope. We were in it together. If we are lucky enough to have another baby then I will be prepared, armed and ready for meltdowns and next time round I wont bottle up my fears, any worries I have will be aired and any concerns vented. If you are feeling a bit wobbly or tearful with your pregnancy, don’t be afraid, to be afraid.
Did you experience any pregnancy meltdowns or were you on the receiving end of any?! I’d love to hear from you x