Oh, Christmas. Christmas was a bit of a funny one this year, unfortunately not the funny ‘ha ha’ kind. I’ll start by making brief apologies as this isn’t the cheeriest post to kick off with after festivities, but hey, that can’t be helped, your body doesn’t care about what day of the year it is. I’ve thought long and hard about putting this post out as it’s so personal, but I feel that it needs to be done, mostly for myself but also for any women out there who have experienced the same. Let me get to the point, a few weeks ago I was pregnant and now, well now I’m not. They say that writing can be cathartic, I’m hoping that’s the case for me.
Baby number two has been on the agenda for a while now but is yet to make an appearance. After a shaky November with a sickness bug that saw my period randomly arrive several days early, along with pains like I’ve never had before, shortly followed by a completely out of sorts mid cycle bleed, I wasn’t holding out much hope for yet another month. Then, when I had some spotting a few days before my period was due, I was a little confused. I had had similar with my first child so decided to do a pregnancy test and what do you know, pregnant! I was in complete shock. I ended up doing three tests just to make sure but they all confirmed the good news, my husband and I were very happy. We tried not to, but you can’t help but get carried away, and over the next few days we talked about house extensions, buggies and cars, things that might need changing once another babe came along.
Ideally we wouldn’t have mentioned anything to family so soon, however seeing everyone over Christmas and knowing that it’s my birthday and, how can I put this, that I like a glass or few of champagne on the day, it would be obvious, so we decided to share our news rather than let everyone speculate. We didn’t dwell on it too much but there were questions of course which we happily answered. A potential ‘due date’ would have been August when a family holiday is taking place, so there was a bit of discussion about what to do and how this could be worked around. Everyone shared our excitement and it added an extra warm fuzzy glow to the day. I went to bed early that night and a few hours later experienced chronic pain in my left side for about three hours which I put down to all the cheese I’d consumed but I couldn’t sleep thinking about what else it might mean. The kid was in our room and woke much earlier than usual, I got up with her feeling in a foul, black mood, it was like I had a black cloud over my head, something felt amiss. The day progressed, family filtered off then mid morning the bubble burst. I started bleeding and I knew, I just knew that this wasn’t good. I felt distraught. I sobbed a lot, was held a lot and felt like such an fool for only having told everyone the day before, it was like the whole day had been put on pause. What followed was a very odd, out of body few hours, where we had to call the next lot of family who we were travelling to that day, explain everything, drop the kid off and drive to A&E. I clung on to the hope that everything would be okay, but deep down I knew, I think you just know when something isn’t right. My body hadn’t changed like it had with the kid, with her when I was only a few weeks pregnant my boobs had grown a ridiculous amount, but this hadn’t happened yet and that felt odd, I really didn’t feel pregnant despite a stick telling me otherwise.
Luckily it was a quiet hospital and I was seen quickly, after doing a wee test the nurse on duty confirmed, I wasn’t pregnant. What we didn’t know at the time (and the nurse actually scolded us for going into hospital) was that I had had a chemical pregnancy – we thought I was having a miscarriage. But that was that, I was told to go home and let things ‘run their course’ so off we went, back to the family for Boxing Day fun. Everyone was brilliant, I was willingly plied with prosecco which got me through the afternoon without any tears amazingly. I held my little girl tight and may have stumbled to bed and been sick (I know, classy) but the day was mostly wiped from my memory, which was what I needed. Coming back home after Christmas felt so good, it felt like getting back to normal, like being able to re-set and re-start. A few things have helped me get through these past few days, my family is the main one. My husband as ever is the one who knows me best and can talk me through any situation. Whilst I remain quiet and reflective he will happily chatter away trying to cheer me up. Sometimes even if you feel dreadful, someone just talking at you can help, it fills the silence for one. Other family and friends have shown me how much they care with kind words, text messages and phone calls. Reading statistics and hard facts helped me too. I found the NHS website, Tommy’s and Emma’s Diary, all really informative. Reading facts helped rationalise things in my mind, they made me realise that my situation is unfortunately an all too common one. And finally writing, writing this post has helped a huge amount, just getting the words and feelings out of my head and down into a post has made me feel like I am doing something positive.
Trying to get pregnant is so bloody hard. And as the woman, you experience it all. There can be months of counting days, knowing your cycle, watching and waiting, so to believe you are finally pregnant and carry that exciting secret around with you for a few weeks, then have that taken away, is a horrible feeling. To any woman out there who has experienced the same, I urge you to talk or write about it, get ‘it’ out there. And as much as I felt stupid for divulging all so early on to family, I’m glad when things went wrong that everyone knew. It actually made things easier in the long run. How am I doing now? I feel like I am fine, like everything is nearly back to normal. Today I’ve put makeup on again after three days of not bothering. There are moments yes, when the tears race up my throat and I have to fight them back down again but that has almost passed. I am looking forward not back. Onwards and upwards. Here’s to 2016 and everything it may hold. This little one keeps my heart full for now.