I have spoken on here before about cutting back on or trying not to drink alcohol. My husband and I did Dry January in 2015, after feeling like we needed a reboot of sorts when I had my first chemical pregnancy. Cutting out the booze made us both feel really good, but we reverted back to our weekend drinking once this finished. I didn’t have alcohol during any fertility treatment that we did and I managed a milestone 11 weeks drink free when we did our final IVF round. But when that failed, I drowned my sorrows in wine. And I mean seriously drowned my sorrows. However, cutting back on or certainly not enjoying drinking, has been on my radar for a few years now. The reality is that it just isn’t as fun anymore.
In my desperation to have another baby, we have traipsed from consultant to consultant, plodding along the fertility conveyor belt. Despite having had a pretty straight forward and easy pregnancy with my daughter it has seemed that my body simply doesn’t want that to happen again, thank you very much. Shutters down, closed for business. My last post back in October 2019 on this topic, talked positively of seeing a new consultant, but admitted that I was finding treatment hard with the drug side-effects (I was about eight months in at this point) And in amongst all this, I knew in the back of my mind that should we not be successful that I wanted to do a final round of IVF. I was adamant that this was our plan. In my head, another go at IVF meant we’d magically be given twins. I know. idiot. However COVID hit and forced us to take a break from it all and dare I say that this actually turned out to be an incredibly positive thing.
I have had eczema, specifically around my mouth for as long as I can remember. I call it my clown-mouth as it usually transpires as red marks at the corners of my mouth, a la clown. It doesn’t help that I also have a tiny car and giant shoes. I occasionally have a bit of irritation in the creases of my arms too but it’s my mouth that has always borne the brunt of the problem. Despite being able to pile on makeup in my teens and twenties with a trowel, I can’t now so much as look at a beautiful lipstick without my mouth prickling in irritation. It lets me apply a very gentle lip balm and that is it thank you very much! My mouth is a sensitive soul, let’s put it that way.
OK, let me be straight with you. My original plan had been to write an, ‘Isolation Diary’ and do various updates throughout lockdown. But that was for the first lockdown, remember that one? And now we find ourselves in yet another and here I am with this post that I started writing in May. What happened was I wrote and came back to this as and when, and then just left it because LIFE WAS WEIRD! And let’s face it, life is still weird. However now words have begun tumbling around my head and I think they need to get out before there is a possible brain combustion (which might happen anyway what with having the kid and husband at home full time)
There’s been a distinct lack of posts on here this past year (anyone noticed?!) with only six written to date. I’ve been feeling a bit indifferent and detached from writing, as much as I enjoy it, and I’ve felt less and less need to write on here. It filled a space for me before, I had lots of free time before Olivia started school, it gave me something to do while she was at nursery, napping during the day or if I just wanted to ignore her (!) It gave me some purpose and a chance to use my brain (tiny Homer Simpson brain that is). And also, with our fertility problems, it helped writing everything down, I found writing very cathartic. But now I work two days a week my time is taken up with lots of other things and the few times I’ve sat down to write, nothing has come. And also, if I’m completely honest, I’m a bit bloody bored of writing about my fertility nonsense. Quite frankly, I’ve had enough of it.