On Not Having A Plan

After our missed miscarriage, we flew on holiday. Not the best time to go away but hey, these things don’t give a heads-up or warning, do they? Timing aside, in hindsight the space was really good for us, just what we needed as we were away from our everyday lives back home. Whilst trying to deal with what had just happened, towards the end of our trip, my husband started to write ‘a plan’. He began writing notes, a to do list as such, covering what our goals were, as a couple and individually. Things that we wanted to achieve, something for us, and for me to focus on after our heartache. Sometimes when you experience a loss, it can help to have something to work towards, something to get you back on track.


Despite inwardly groaning and rolling my eyes as he wrote said plan – literally the  last thing on my mind – it was actually really useful (never tell him this) Having something else to talk and think about, outside of what had just happened was good for us both. One key goal for me was to get my fitness back, my aim on return from holiday. I got back to playing hockey and joined a fitness class, my strength returned and with all this, my mental well being improved along the way. It really aided my recovery. Another part of ‘the plan’ was for me to get my head back into work mode. To write up my CV, to get my Linked In page live and to finally sort all of those work related things that have been on my ‘To Do’ list since quitting my job four years ago. I’ve been busy parenting, don’t judge me!

Then we decided to go for our frozen IVF round and all of these ideas got shelved. Playing hockey and doing sport stopped, half because the medication made me so sick and half because of the paranoia I had about sport affecting the treatment, silly really, but you do what feels right at the time. Concentrating on IVF and trying to get pregnant became my plan again and it’s very difficult to think outside of this bubble once you’re in it. All your focus goes on trying to get through the medication and then get, and sustain a pregnancy, so why focus on trying to get a job when you’re (hopefully) going to be a mum again?

But now that round has failed, what next? Should I get my plan written out again? Should I try and get my head back into work mode? Send those emails to those possible work contacts that I never sent before? Do you know what? No, I don’t want too. I really don’t want to.

I met up with a mum recently that I connected with on Instagram (it’s the Social Media way to date darling) And whilst sharing our very similar stories about trying for second babies, we both realised that we had common ground of, not feeling massively motivated to get out there and ‘work’ again. Our focus for so long has been on trying for another baby, that attempting to think outside of this very emotional box is really bloody hard. I realised that actually, it’s OK to not have a plan sometimes. Sometimes a plan is great and can help you through a tough time, as it did for me previously, but also sometimes it’s OK to freestyle for a while after heartache. To go with the flow, to not worry about things for as long as possible. So for now, I don’t really have or want to do anything specific for the next few months, my focus is just going to be what it should have been all along, and that’s Olivia. Everything else can wait.

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